Me, Myself and I

Something unfortunate happened on me today while I was waiting for bus to go back home. A stupid middle aged Chinese uncle was masturbating in front of me and it totally freaked me out. What I did was just to ignore him and gave him a disgusted + angry look.

Because of this incident, it has made me to feel even more demotivated to work in KL now. Since the day I have accepted and decided to just work in KL first, I have been quite down due to getting myself adapted to the working life in KL here and due to also my job, still very clueless about my direction in life right now. Just work for the sake of living.

Well, just wanna give myself a day to feel down only and tomorrow will be brand new good day. I shouldn’t feel so demotivated and feel so bad for myself. It’s just part of life and that’s what make life interesting right In fact, I shouldn’t be feeling too down because I know there are people out there who care about me, as in truly care about my well being here, who ask me questions, who spend time talking to me and trying to comfort me, I should feel thankful for all these and should be glad that I have them with me
I will look things from the bright side and at least I’m still alive kicking here haha, Thanks for all the people who show your concern to me especially when I’m really feeling down and alone for now.Appreciate that a lot and I will keep telling myself that I will be strong and always be
Let’s look forward and fuck the rest haha…

Today I just had an outing with my group of friends, we went to Broga Hill in the wee morning and then adjourned to the nearby waterfall. It was quite a fun day despite the fast that most of us only slept for an average of 1 and a half hour. I did have some fun since it’s been so long I woke up so early for hill climbing. But, I don’t really see myself a mother nature person because I did not really feel THAT excited when I reached to the hilltop and overlooking the view of the city.

Maybe it’s because of me who is not so much of the mother nature person or because of the people that I was with??In fact, I knew I would be happier if I was with other people for today’s outing. I find myself shunning away from them as I don’t see myself fitting into their group anymore. In fact, all of us have been good friends since college times but even at that time I have already noticed there are differences between us. Yeah, I know every individual is different with but what I’m trying to tell out here is, the difference in terms of thinking and the education background. Mainly of them are Chinese-ed and me being the odd one among them is really used to it.

However now, I start to feel more out of place when I’m with them. Not even the language but in terms of our topic of conversation.  Perhaps, I’m trying to be a control freak here because everytime I would expect people to pay attention to me talking and talk about something that I like. I know I’m like that but trying not to be the extreme one. Now I don’t see myself having the most fun with them and I just participate just because we are still friends. For now, I would actually prefer to make a choice for myself to be with people that actually make myself happy and comfortable. It’s just waste of time if you don’t even enjoy yourself when you are with your friends.

No doubt, at most times now I enjoy doing things myself or I would always prefer to be with one or two close friends. Things start to change gradually as time passes by and same goes to human.

I only need the one that actually stand by your side always everytime and gives you endless support despite of all the shit happens around us??No matter what bullshit things that you do in your life but no judgement will be given to you because they really know who you are and always have faith in you. It’s kinda tired when you always put up a smiley face in front of people and in fact you don’t like it.

I will be back to the reality once again after a week of so called holiday for me. Yeah, it feels bit scary for me but I know I just have to face it and I will be stronger ever!!!I just have to believe in myself and hope this will be another good start!!

It’s been a year since the tragic accident…can’t believe it has been a year…so many things have actually happened throughout this one year period but now it just feels like yesterday…

Time has healed the injury, pain but the memory always stays in and it is still so fresh. Anyway, all of us have already moved on and looking forward for a better day each day
For me, just embarked my journey in the working world, and surprisingly second week of working has already make me quite down haha…mainly because of my job scope I guess. Not something I would prefer to do and in fact I’m rejecting pretty badly but sigh, what can I do since I already started, unless there is a better opportunity out there somewhere.

It still takes me some time to get used to working life. The first thing I notice is, I have totally lost my own personal time. Now I have no control over my time now, most of my time is given to work and travel. I know I may sound weak to some people especially I have just started working not long. But..I don’t really like it and I just keep telling myself, hopefully this will be a temporary one in my life and soon I will find a better one.

Don’t even talk about planning for my future, what happens tomorrow I don’t even know haha, how my direction in life going to be I’m totally clueless now haha…just survive one day by one day. This weekend, I’m back in Ipoh, it totally feel superb great. I’m so happy to be back at a familiar place where I feel so secured and not having doubts in everyone around me. I don’t have to worry that people might judge, might boycott me, might backstab me etc. All I know is there are people who only care and concern about me. Maybe it’s just all ME who puts so much worries and pressure onto myself.

Anyway, really feels so good to be at home. Wish I could give something back to my parents for everything they did for me, for all the unconditional support, even though they are not the richest parents in the world, even though they are not the most educated parents in the world but nothing can beat their love for me and all their sacrifices.

Everytime I’m back home, I will get struck by the reality that I’m actually not just living for myself. I need to do better, perform better and achieve higher in life because I still have my family to share with. I’m not alone. Somtimes, I really think is it worth for me to treat someone so good that I may not be in that person’s priority list??For me, it’s in my top priority list but I’m just like everyone out there. And when I take a step back behind to reflect back, I actually realise that there are so many others who really care about me and all I need to do is just to notice them and appreciate.

Ahh, questions and questions again playing in my mind…with no answers…Maybe I’m really too weak to face this cruel and harsh reality…just need to have a strong inner self to withstand all this. Have faith in myself??Believe in myself??

It’s been so long since I updated my blog here. I don’t know what I should write in my blog here anymore. So many things have been going on and somehow I don’t know which one I should share and I shouldn’t share. Yeah, I’m not those people who loves to make their lives as open book to the public. I prefer to just talk with people that I’m really close of and I know they truly understand me.

Anyway, back to main topic, I’m currently back in Ipoh for a week off before I start working on 17th August 2009. And yeah, it’s coming so soon that I have to face it now!! haha…I’m actually nervous + excited for it. Not sure what to expect but I’m just hoping for the best to happen on me. Last month, July, I had a good time having training in Technology Park, Bukit Jalil despite the early morning waking up and being ’sardine’ in the LRTs. In fact, I really miss those times very much as I got so used to so called working life hehe. Miss all the friends and trainers. It’s a good experience for training myself to wake up early in the morning and going thru the life as a working person. Somehow I’m sorta prepared for that kind of life.

Thinking back, everything is going according to my plan so far, from taking the professional course to coming back to Ipoh to spend with my family and friends here and preparing to work. So, again I would say that I’m seriously hoping for the best for this new start of my life again.

I had a great dinner with Justina’s mum tonight. She had been ‘feeding’ me with the sakae since the beginning of our dinner. In fact, Adrian and I were a lil bit tipsy by the end of the dinner lol but it was fun though
Tonight will be the last night I’m at home and suddenly I feel that I’m gonna miss my home so so much. It always happens on me whenever I’m back at home haha….a lot of things come to my mind….will I be able to achieve what I want??Will I be able to go against the odds of everything??I know none of it can be answered now and I just need to have the right and optimistic attitude towards life

If not because of trying to figure out how to pave my way in the future drives me nuts, the next thing that can drive me crazy is my family.

What do you want from me??While I’m trying so hard to achieve something here which could bring success to my life and a better life for all of us, and why I can never get a total support from you all??

All the complanining, comparing and stuff are enough!!!I have had enough!!When I don’t go back home, then you all complain why I don’t go back, when I achieved something good in my life, I wish you all could be the one who show happiness and share with me, but yet I did not feel it from you all.

I just feel so sad and unappreciated all the times.I wish I could be the perfect daughther for you all. The perfect one but still I don’t think it’s enough for you all the time. At the same time, I feel so worried for all of them, worried for sis cos I just want her to be on the right track and be grown up and mature. Worried for my parents cos afraid they might feel lonely, they might feel depressed because of still struggling to make ends meet, afraid because the eldest daugther here is still unable to support them and still trying so so so hard to survive here. Worried they know how to take care of themselves or not. Sigh..so much of worries, and I wonder is anyone out there who is worried as much as I do??

Wish I could have the chance to runaway even further away…where no one knows me, everything starts from the scratch…where I don’t have to please anyone anymore, don’t have to care about others feelings and be myself totally. The dream of flying out is still with me but I’m not sure whether I can achieve it or not because of all the commitments and responsiblities.

My mood is totally spoiled..and I even think of not going back home this weekend even though I already plan to. But sigh…it’s still my home and I just need to go back….

Finally I’m done with my degree studies. Can’t never imagine how fast it could be. I always can’t wait to get it done and now everything is over.

I should be happy that it’s over now and I’m gonna start a new chapter in life soon. At the same time, I really feel lost and directionless. Out of sudden, I don’t have to expect for another new sem to start. Out of sudden, I don’t need to worry about my studies anymore. I’m free from the study worry and I don’t need to be stressed about how to finish up my assignments or final year project anymore.

I feel that I’m no longer belonged to anywhere now. It’s like I’m left all alone in KL and once again I need to find the path again for myself. I don’t even have the mood to enjoy my so called holidays and I wish I had my graduation trips but nah…no money, no everything.

It’s like now everyday I try to figure out how to find back my path. I know job hunting is the next step but I haven’t started doing so. Perhaps, I’m still living in self denial, being a big time procrastinator, being such a coward to accept the fact that I’m graduating and I need to work to earn living! Being afraid to leave my comfort zone, being afraid to be in a new environment??Yeah I know all of these are negative thoughts…maybe I just need to pump in some positive thoughts so that I’m well assured that everything’s gonna be fine?? Trying my best to do it…

Once I realise that I’m no longer an university student, suddenly I feel that I have more responsibility to bear on. Feel so grown up at times and yet don’t really act like one. I really have to find the right path for myself and this is where the career building process starts. I’m no longer a kid that can give excuses to myself to runaway from reality.

Courage is all I need to continue on and move forward. I hate the feeling of thinking myself being alone and I thought I have found my inner happiness but now it’s gone again. I will just need to be strong and gather up all my courage to face all these!!

It’s been long since I last updated my blog. So many things have happened within this period and mainly it’s all about studies. Working my ass off to get thru this final semester and another month to go, I’ll be done with it!

This week is the final week of the whole sem, and today I’ll be at home whole day to settle the final year project report. Of all the assignments that I have got, this is most difficult one that I could ever bear on. Without having proper guidance from the supervisor, without knowing the exact direction we are heading to and the constant same f**king questions being asked from the supervisor and in fact he never bothers to keep track of our progress, all these things are really killing me. I try to be strong, try to do it on my own, and actually I’m not confident at all with this damn thing that I’m doing now. Perhaps, in this life, sometimes we really need to fake things out huh.

My emotions are like roller coaster, up and down and up and down again..but today is a special day that worth to remember it…while I’m still being stressed about everything, I received this card from my friend’s mum, Auntie Aileen and yes, Justina it’s your Mom haha..

I was so surprised  and touched by this simple act which really touched my heart deeply. It’s like everything is just fated to be. I went out of my house to hang my washed bedsheets, pillow case etc and the postman came. At first I did not want to pick up the mail but then I just decided to go take it thinking that the mail might belong to my housemates. When the time I saw my name on the envelope, I was like OMG..it’s for me and who in the world would send me a card at this period of time, as in no special occasions, no birthdays and no everything..

I just wanna say Thank you very very much for the card and for the concern being shown to me. I know I need courage now to just continue on with my journey. And not to forget, all my friends or family membes who really care for me and show me true support. I know that sometimes when I think I’m really so tired of all these, there will be something that always brings me up back. I’m so glad that it happens to me and yeah even I’m a half free thinker but still God hasn’t forgotten about me yet haha…thank you to YOU from the bottom of my heart

Today while I was waiting for the bus to go uni, suddenly I thought of something. I thought of this word, ‘age’. Then I asked myself, how old am I this year?? I’m 23, oh well I try hard to convince people that I’m just 22++ cos birthday has not come yet haha, but well it is difficult + happy + sad that I’m 23 this year.

I kinda notice that now whenever I tell people how am I, I’m quite taken aback by it. Well, it is not because I think people will think I’m old (hmm perhaps a bit of it haha) but, mainly it’s because when everytime I say out these 2 digits, I will start thinking that, Wow, you are 23, and what now??Are you really a 23 years old??Are you thinking or acting like 23??What have I accomplished so far??What have I done so far??All these questions just keep coming to me endlessly.

After all, I realise that as we age, we somehow let the numbers to control our lives in terms of our behaviours, thinkings and also attitudes. When we reach to a certain range of age, we actually call ourselves as grown ups which means we are actually binded with some rules in the society.

As a grown up, we cannot act like a child anymore. We cannot be childish, immature, cannot do or say anything that we like to do or say etc etc. I still remember when I was few years younger, I actually considered that period was a ‘learning period’ for myself. As I first started to live away from family, started to be on my own, I gave myself time to learn to be independent, to learn how to mingle with strangers, to survive and to learn all the soft skills.

And what I notice now is, even though I’m still learning but now, maybe because of my age now, I cannot really let myself making more mistakes in my life. It’s like when I do something wrong, I will be harsh on myself on why in the world would I have made such a small and silly mistake??I might be like that few years back but hey now, you can’t do it anymore and all others blah blah..

That’s why today I asked myself, is everyone including me being controlled by age??Yeah, I do understand that sometimes we don’t do things that we like to do and we have to put up a fake mask just to fake it. But again, aren’t we supposed to enjoy our lives by being our trueself no matter how old are we??Yeah, we may have become more mature over the years and have commited into a lot of responsibilites in lives but I still think that it’s nothing wrong if we always stay youthful and be silly once in awhile just to make everyone around us to be happy. But, but, be silly is ok, but just don’t make yourself stupid silly, that would be a big turn off haha…

Well, despite I had a good weekend but today when I woke up, I suddenly feel so moody and I’m back to my old habits, I’m worried and thinking a lot. I don’t know how it all started but the whole day I just feel so uneasy about myself and everything. Random things keep running into my head which I can’t stop at all. Perhaps I really can’t stay in the house so long and I need to go out in order to stop myself from thinking.

I had nice outing with friends on Friday night and I was almost drunk. Hangover was so bad the next day and it reminded me of some good + bad memories. Even though I did enjoy myself, but at the same time, I’m trying to pull myself out from the enjoyment. I don’t want to be THIS happy, I don’t want to ENJOY too much. Maybe this sounds weird but yeah, I don’t want to make myself so indulged into all this because I know some people around me are actually going thru some difficulties in lives. I actually think myself is selfish for this. Anyhow, I got the proper punishment the next day after the drinking. Guess my body is not as strong as last time anymore. I seriously need to pay more attention to my health.

So yeah, today whole day been sitting in front of the laptop again. Thinking, thinking and thinking and occasionally get depressed by reading all the economy articles. None of them is telling out good news about the current economy. What can I really do?? Actually I wanna be involved in something good but yet I haven’t done anything so far.

I had a great dinner with Eyrique yesterday. Like I said, two pathetic single people dated each other for dinner LOL..just kidding..it was a good time for us to catch up about everything in lives and thanks for the company and dinner Old memories tend to come back and thinking back, we really did spend a lot of time together haha..my good friend and friends forever
Perhaps I really have changed in terms of my thinking, my perception to life but the most important things is I have become more grown up. Sometimes I like the way I am now and at the same time I wish I could go back to my childhood with no worries at all in life hehe..sounds so contradicting ya..haha..

Well however, there is no way to turn back the time now but just to cherish the beautiful memories. And look forward to spend more quality time together with friends and family. In this world, there is nothing called, never ending story..no  matter how long the story is, eventually it has its ending..like even Harry Potter, after so many episodes, finally it has come to the end. So, I just want to stop worrying and just want to be happy..can I???

p/s: Btw, Justina, if u happen to read my blog, that day when u told me that u’d love the thinking tat if we could stay together and spend time in aust, i actually felt touched and honoured that u thought of me it’s just that, at that time, i was stressed with my assign, that’s why my feelings all got mixed up haha..

Anyhow, like i said, that can be a plan tat might work out

I was so looking forward for this Chinese New Year once I started my classes last 2 weeks ago. And yeah, here I am back at home celebrated CNY and it’s time for me to go back to the reality. It feels quite sucks after you have an enjoyable holiday back at home. I did not really have a big celebration this year but the joy of being with your family and your friends just make you feel so good
It’s always great to meet back all your old friends where you always feel so comfortable to be with them and catch up on everything that happened in their life. Despite the super hot weather here during daytime and losing money during gambling lol, I still had a good time for this year CNY.

Even though, I did not get to meet up with all my dear cousins who are scattered around, but yet I still appreciate for those who are still here. I would hope that there will be a day that all of us will gather back again. Time changes everything but for me, I still value my family and my friends. Had a good chat with Justina’s mum which gave me back hope and made me feel much more positive in my life. I hope that I can just still carry on this positive energy in myself when I’m back in KL.

I have to face the reality that this will be my final semester and I’m graduating finally!Feels excited and scared at the same time. Excited as in finally I’ll be done with the damn studies and scared because of trying to figure out what do I really wanna do once I’m grad.  Yeah, I’m one of those people who do not want to work back in my field of study haha. Anyhow, I’m still trying to work things out in my way. Hope everything will go well for me.

Ahh, anyway, nothing much to write about already.Just feel like writing something out to make myself feel better